FILM PREVIEWS
February
5th
From Paris With Love (Lionsgate)
Have I ever told you that I think John Travolta sucks out loud? Well, I
do. And, here, Taken director Pierre Morel gets the honors of trying to
turn The Boy in the Plastic Bubble into an action star. Travolta,
alongside Jonathan Rhys Meyers (The Tudors), stars as an F.B.I. agent
trying to stop a terrorist attack in France. Isn’t it a little ironic
that Travolta, who’s a Scientologist, makes me crave prescription meds?
February
12th
Percy
Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief (Fox)
Who names a kid “Percy?” Ugh! Can you imagine? What looks like a Harry
Potter rip-off really isn’t when you consider that Percy Jackson is
directed by Chris Columbus, the director who initially gave Harry Potter his
big -screen identity. After all, it was Columbus who directed the first two Potter
installments, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone and Harry
Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, before moving on. Here, he brings to
life Rick Riordan’s novel about a teenager
who discovers he’s the direct descendant
of a Greek god. The average filmgoer will likely accuse Columbus of being a copycat. But, with Percy
Jackson, he’s only copying himself.
February
12th
The
Wolfman (Universal)
The smoldering Benicio Del Toro stars as Lawrence Talbot, a man cursed by
the light of the autumn moon. His knuckles get hairy, his teeth get sharp, he
has the undying urge to sniff butts. Yes! He’s a wolf! Director Joe Johnston (Jumanji, Hidalgo,
Jurassic Park III) assembles a smoking-hot cast that includes Anthony
Hopkins, Hugo Weaving (The Matrix, V for Vendetta) and Emily Blunt, who
recently scored raves as The Young Victoria. Anyone who’s seen an Underworld
movie knows that films involving werewolves can be downright silly. But this
group of actors has the chops to pull one off!
February
19th
Shutter Island
(Paramount)
The latest film by Martin Scorsese (The Departed, Casino, Cape Fear,
Raging Bull) is the victim of a six-month delay. I first wrote about Shutter
Island in my October 2009 column and the movie was quickly forced to the
back-burner. (I know the way I phrased the previous sentence makes it sound
like my column had something to do with that, but, trust me, I was no cause of
that effect!) Here, Leonardo DiCaprio and Mark Ruffalo star as two U.S.
marshals, who, in 1954, are sent to a gnarly-looking mental institution (of
course, what was I expecting?) to investigate the disappearance of a patient. Shutter
Island looks good. The trailer is interesting, creepy, even scary! So,
what’s the hold up? Was it, like The Soloist, delayed because it’s
really awful?
February
26th
Cop
Out (Warner
Brothers)
Bruce Willis (Oh, Dear!), Tracy Morgan (Are you f-ing kidding me?), and
Seann William Scott (Shoot me now!) star in Kevin Smith’s new buddy-cop flick.
As if the three leads aren’t reason enough to avoid the ticket lines, let’s
talk about Kevin Smith, whose last movie, Zach and Miri Make a Porno, may
have given me herpes.
February
26th
The
Crazies (Overture)
Hey! That should be the name for all those psycho b*tches on The
Bachelor! Timothy Olyphant and Radha Mitchell star in Breck Eisner’s remake
of George A. Romero’s 1973 thriller, The Crazies, about a small town
terrorized by mutants. To illustrate just how updated the new version is . . .
Romero’s story took place in a small town in Pennsylvania. Eisner, who directed
(pardon me if I choke on it) Sahara, sets his story in a small town in
Iowa. He’s so brave to make that leap! What reinvention! What vision! He so
crazy!
VIDEO REVIEWS
February
2nd
Zombieland
(Sony)
It was 2004 that the Brits decided that all the zombie movies had become
really lame! And, with the exception of Danny Boyle’s thought-provoking 28
Days Later, I couldn’t have agreed more! So, they decided to lampoon said
zombies in the occasionally hilarious Shaun of the Dead. Then, in 2009,
proving that it takes nearly five years for Hollywood to get a British memo,
director Ruben Fleischer unleashed Zombieland to theatres. The result? Yep!
Something lame! Fleischer’s take is an uninspired and unfunny exercise in what
to do and what not to do when approached by a savage blood-thirsty corpse. Wanna
know what’s on my what-not-to-do list? Guess! Here’s a hint . . . GRADE: C-
February
9th
A
Serious Man (Universal)
If you read my January column, you know that I listed some of my favorite
movies of 2009 and the latest Coen brothers project was among them. But, now
having seen all the contenders, I will go one step further. A Serious Man was
my FAVORITE movie of last year! This hysterically funny morality play tells the
story of Larry Gopnik (a brilliant Michael Stuhlbarg), a Jewish college
professor whose Midwestern existence is cursed in every way imaginable! But
instead of wallowing in self-pity and “Oy Vey’s” Larry tries, his damndest, to
do the right thing! If you thought Larry was cursed before, just wait until he
chooses, for the first time in his life, to blur the boundaries of good and
bad. The consequences are Serious! I love this movie! I’m all verklempt!
GRADE: A
February
23rd
The
Informant! (Warner
Brothers)
Hollywood loves
dramatic stories about ballsy whistleblowers! Look at the list: Erin
Brockovich, The Insider, Michael Clayton. All were thought-provoking,
stirring. So, credit goes to director Steven Soderbergh for finding the funny
bone in The Informant!, which is based on the true story of Mark
Whitacre, who, by working with the F.B.I., blew the whistle on the price-fixing
schemes of agricultural giant Archer Daniels Midland. Of course, the bipolar Whitacre
was no saint and ended up doing time of his own for embezzlement. Way to go,
Dumbass! There’s no question that approaching this story in a comic manner
takes the dramatic punch in the gut out of it. After all, the price fixing
involved had effects on commerce throughout the world. But Matt Damon latches
onto the comedy and runs with it. In fact, he impressively sinks his
considerable acting chops into the insanely quirky role of Mark Whitacre, a
multi-faceted genius of a man way too smart for his own good! GRADE: B
February
23rd
The
Box (Warner
Brothers)
In 2001 director Richard Kelly secured his place in cult-classic history
with his bizarre-romp Donnie Darko. A couple of months ago he secured
his place on my list of the Worst Ten Movies of 2009. In fact, The Box came
in at #5! Congratulations! Your movie blew! What is supposed to be a
suspenseful reflection on greed, sacrifice and sin ends up being an exercise in
really bad Southern accents (Yep, you Cameron Diaz!) and trying to control
oneself when one is laughing uncontrollably at parts of a film that are
supposed to be dramatic. The Box is terrible and there were times during
the film that I truly hoped, that when Ms. Diaz and Mr. James Marsden pushed
the mysterious button, that I would choke on a Snowcapâ and be
spared the agony. GRADE: F
February
23rd
Cirque
de Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (Universal)
Or as I like to call it . . . Suck de Freak. Several things about
this lame-o vampire flick are bothersome. First, I find it hard to believe that
Oscarâ-winning
screenwriter Brian Helgeland (L.A. Confidential) wrote the blasted
thing. Second, I find it hard to fathom that this lifeless film is based on
literary characters that spawned a dozen books. Third, I find it painful that
vibrant actors and actresses like Willem Dafoe, Salma Hayek and Jane Krakowski
are cast as mutant freaks but seem to get no joy or challenge from it at all. And,
let’s talk about John C. Reilly (complaint number four, if you‘re counting),
who, while playing a vampire, looks as if he’s stumbled out of the b-roll of Talladega
Nights. If I had a set of vampire fangs, I would have chewed out my own
jugular vein. GRADE: D-
