March 31st
The Last Song (Buena Vista)
What do you get when you cross Miley Cyrus with a movie based on a novel by Nicholas Sparks? You get a movie-critic named Chad wanting to soak himself in Gasohol and fire up a Scriptoâ. In The Last Song, Cyrus stars as a rebellious teen sent to live with her estranged father (Greg Kinnear) for the summer. Despite initial friction, they two eventually bond over a shared love of music. My stomach is hurting just typing this. So much for the Party in the U.S.A.
April 2nd
Clash of the Titans (Warner Brothers)
Can you believe it was in 1981 that director Desmond Davis first unleashed the Kraken? In retrospect, can you believe that he was able to round up names like Laurence Olivier and Maggie Smith for what was ultimately going to be a really cheesy-looking exercise in dated special effects technology? Well, special effects have come a long way, baby, and I cannot wait to see them unleashed on the Kraken in the redux! Along for the ride, Avatar star Sam Worthington, who stars as Perseus, the mortal son of Zeus (Liam Neeson), who suits up for battle with Hades (Ralph Fiennes) in order to prevent him from unleashing his special brand of hell on Earth! The new retelling of Clash is directed by Louis Leterrier, who, in 2008, worked his special effects magic with The Incredible Hulk, a movie much better than its star Edward Norton gave it credit for being.
April 16th
Death at a Funeral (Screen Gems)
You will be hard-pressed in the 2010 movie season to find an idea worse than this! And, since we’re on the subject, whose hair-brained idea was THIS! I mean, really? Did director Neil LaBute really think it wise to cast Chris Rock (Ugh!), Martin Lawrence (Oh, Jesus!) and Tracy Morgan (Sh#t!) in his remake of Frank Oz’s 2007 British comedy Death at a Funeral? Given the fact that LaBute has a knack for remaking movies and destroying them, it’s entirely possible he’s to blame for what is going to be death at the theatre. After all, it was LaBute who directed the 2006 remake of The Wicker Man, hands-down the worst movie I have ever seen!
April 22nd
Oceans (Buena Vista)
I’ll just tell you now. I am going to cry. Last year, Disney celebrated Earth Day with Earth, its majestic and breathtaking docudrama about the migratory patterns of polar bears, whales and elephants. This year, Disney enlisted the help of the two Jacques! Or Jacques’s! Or Jacqueses! Okay, so both directors are named Jacques and I have no idea what the plural spelling of that is. At any rate, Jacques Perrin and Jacques Cluzaud have teamed up to bring us a similar story set mostly underwater. We know that three-quarters of the Earth’s surface is covered by our oceans. Disney, thankfully without any singing crustaceans this time, wants to give us a mermaid’s view of just what’s going on Under the Sea!
April 30th
A Nightmare on Elm Street (New Line Cinema)
One, two, Freddy’s coming for you! It was 1984 that Wes Craven first introduced the world to Freddy Kruger, the charbroiled child killer who slashed and thrashed the teens of Elm Street in their dreams! After a handful of sequels and a crossover stint with Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th, Freddy is ready to re-launch his brand of terror! At the helm for this re-telling of the original film is director Samuel Bayer, who, until now, has made his living directing music videos for Metallica, Green Day, Blink 182 and Pat Benatar. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. That’s not exactly the resume you were expecting, right? But, remember! Pat Benatar sang about the Shadows of the Night and that’s exactly where Freddy lurks!
