SUMMER MOVIE PREVIEW: JUNE
For Hollywood, the summer movie season typically begins around the first weekend of May. This prompts many entertainment magazines to publish their “Summer Movie Previews” in the humid and sultry month of April. I, on the other hand, have no desire to demonstrate what I consider to be a really unfortunate case of premature articulation. So, I have waited until now to write News 4U’s SUMMER MOVIE PREVIEW! And, to give you the most in-depth preview possible, I am spreading it out over the entire summer. (Blame my editor, Dylan, who only gives me two pages in his 200-page monthly!) So, here’s the first installment of the preview and I hope you enjoy. June is busting out all over (like Miley Cyrus’ butt cheeks)!
June 4th
Get Him to the Greek (Universal)
I loved Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but am not thrilled with this concept at all! In this, the cinematic version of a spin-off, Russell Brand reprises his Forgetting role as sleazy British rocker Aldous Snow, who, in this film, struggles to make a concert in Los Angeles. His sidekick is none other than Jonah Hill, who was the weakest part of Sarah Marshall and will likely be the most irritating and predictable part of this R-rated extravaganza!
June 4th
Killers (Lionsgate)
Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl star as a secret government assassin and his clueless new bride. To paraphrase one of the nation’s great patriots, “Give me liberty or give me the most brutal death imaginable. Huge industrial fan. Piranha feeding frenzy. A chunk of frozen waste from an airplane toilet. Anything!” With this on the horizon, I’m flexible and pretty much open to suggestions.
June 11th
The A-Team (20th Century Fox)
Aren’t we running out of television shows we can adapt for the big screen. What’s next? The Snorks? 227? Flavor of Love? Wait a minute! I am being too pessimistic. Jessica Biel’s in this! So, it’s gotta be good, right?
June 11th
The Karate Kid (Sony Pictures)
I would like to explain a basic difference between Hollywood parents and normal parents. In Hollywood, when a father wants to get a “vehicle” for his son, he lobbies studio executives to give him the starring role in a movie. Case in point… Will Smith, who landed his son, Jaden (who can’t act), the Ralph Macchio role in the redux of The Karate Kid. Conversely, when my father wanted a vehicle for me, he bought me a pre-owned Mercury Topaz.
June 11th
Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work
She is the face that Rubbermaid® made. But, Joan Rivers is also a comic genius and a dedicated, hard-working, and professional celebrity. This new documentary follows Rivers as she stages her one woman show and battles that she-devil, Annie Duke, for the title of Celebrity Apprentice. I was glued to that season of Apprentice and Joan Rivers was definitely its star! While she’s ballsy and confrontational, Rivers has a heart of gold and will always champion truth and justice. She just can’t cross her legs without her eye lashes popping off.
June 18th
Toy Story 3 (Walt Disney Studios)
Buzz and Woody are back! (Hmmm… What are two things I had in college, Alex?) I can hear the cash registers in the box office churning out receipts. Though it’s been eleven years since Toy Story 2 hit the big screen, make no mistake! This franchise is definitely alive and well and will be proof you’re never too old to play with Toys!
June 25th
Knight and Day (20th Century Fox)
Okay, I’ll admit it. I’ve never been a Tom Cruise fan, but I have enjoyed some Tom Cruise movies (Born of the 4th of July, Minority Report, The Last Samurai, etc . And I will also admit that I consider Cameron Diaz to be so caustic and hazardous-to-health that I want to slap an Officer Friendly sticker over her face. But there’s something intriguing about Knight and Day, in which Cruise stars as a secret agent who gets tangled up with Diaz’s unsuspecting nitwit. If the pair can pull off a Mr. & Mrs. Smith playfulness and the storyline holds up, this could be a box office bonanza for many nights and days!
June 25th
Grown Ups (Sony Pictures)
Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Rob Schneider, David Spade and Kevin James play childhood friends who reunite for a weekend after spending decades apart! I would like to revise my early quote from one of our nation’s famous patriots. “Give me liberty or give my that piece of #$%@ movie Killers!” If I make it through this movie with a pulse or my sanity, I will donate everything I own to the 700 Club!
June 30th
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Summit)
An acting showcase. You will never see finer acting than that displayed by Kristen (Look how sullen I am!) Stewart and Robert (Get Miracle Ear® so you can hear what the @$%& I am whispering) Pattinson. But look! It doesn’t matter what I say about Bella and Edward. The teen girls love them and will flock into theatres like packs of werewolves to see the third installment of Stephenie Meyer’s vampire fantasy. Appropriately, I will be sitting there too with the blood draining from my veins.
