Libra

September 23-October 22

Take in a Cardinals game with friends and enjoy the fine spirits St. Louis has to offer. Plan on losing your pants and your dignity.

THIS WEEK: REPRESS. REPRESS. REPRESS.

 

Cancer

June 21-July 22

Blow pops and cats do not mix. Prepare for a hefty vet bill.

THIS WEEK: STOP SHARING YOUR CANDY.

 

Aquarius

January 20-February 18

You finally figure out that “professional” wrestling is “professionally” fake. As further insult, you learn wrestler Shawn Michaels has been a corpse for at least a decade; turns out he’s been converted into a puppet and made to compete by skillful puppeteers.

THIS WEEK: STOP WATCHING WRESTLING, GEEK.

 

Pisces

February 19-March 20

Your cat’s psychic abilities are revealed to you. He annoyingly remains one step ahead of you when it comes to relaxing in the comfortable recliner. Damn his abilities!

THIS WEEK: CREATE A FOIL HELMET TO BLOCK HIS MENTAL INTRUSIONS.

 

Aries

March 21-April 19

Gary Busey threatens to pull out your endocrine system. Yikes.

THIS WEEK: WHAT ARE YOU DOING TALKING TO GARY BUSEY IN THE FIRST PLACE?

 

Capricorn

December 22-January 19

Your horrorscope is all question marks this month. Remember those mystery suckers? Stay tuned for a mystery, sucker.

THIS WEEK: ?????

 

Scorpio

October 23-November 21

A bad sunburn turns you fire engine red, earning you the nickname “Red Lobster.” Enjoy being the butt of all everyone’s jokes.

THIS WEEK: GET USED TO EVERYONE THROWING LEMON JUICE AND BUTTER SAUCE ON YOU.

 

Gemini

May 21-June 20

An elderly woman confuses you for Tom Selleck (circa Magnum P.I.) during a trip to the supermarket. Before you know it, you’re surrounded by autograph hounds and a black guy attempting to whisk you off to his helicopter. And you thought you were only stopping for milk...

THIS WEEK: BUY SOME LONGER, BETTER FITTING SHORTS.

 

 

Sagittarius

November 22-December 21

Your child’s continuous viewing of Elmo DVDs lead to nightmares of being chased down and having your arms eating off by a toothless, black-mouth, life-sized Elmo.

THIS WEEK: INTRODUCE YOUR CHILD TO BIG BIRD.

 

Leo

July 23-August 22

Just as you settle in for a Golden Girls marathon, the cable goes out. Your day – scratch that – your week, is ruined.

THIS WEEK: SETTLE DOWN WITH AN AFGHAN AND POLISH OFF THE REST OF THOSE BUTTERSCOTCH DISCS.

 

 

Taurus

April 20-May 20

How many teeth are you going to break before you have a serious problem with Nerds? Unless Willy Wonka is going to foot your dentist bills, get some help.

THIS WEEK: PUT THE NERD ROPES DOWN.

 

Virgo

August 23-September 22

Your girlfriend isn’t amused when your latest home improvement project goes array. Somehow painting the accent wall blue morphs into painting your girlfriend to resemble a smurf. Your efforts earn you a quick and painful sock to the sack.

THIS WEEK: HIDE THE PAINT.

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I can’t believe I’m actually having to do this…but due to the overwhelming number of self-proclaimed astrology “experts” who have mistakenly thought our “HorrORscopes” were supposed to be serious and not the simple nuggets of satirical genius they actually are, we are forced to provide this little disclaimer: These HorrORscopes are real! Like all other horoscopes you read, they are really, really real! All of the things predicted to happen to you will happen if you fail to take heed! The stars do not lie…and for that matter, neither do politicians, leprechauns, or forest pixies that ride unicorn camels. The Easter Bunny is also alive and well. He has some oceanfront property in Siberia he’d like to sell you. So, in short, don’t get your panties in a wad; just read the HorrORscopes and chill out…or don’t read them and die in a horrible accident involving agricultural equipment. The choice is yours.

– Brad Linzy, News-4U