When you fly through a “boo at you” haunted house, you go into the venture with the intent of being scared; hence you hardly see the masterful work that is put into these places. You know someone is going to slip from the shadows and nearly stop your heart with the feeling that your guts just flung out of your chest onto the floor and it completely blinds you from enjoying a pleasant stroll through the gruesome and horrific.      

            When I ventured through these local spook houses, I requested there be no hungry goblins waiting in the wings to devour me, only the creepy, musty establishment and the artwork that takes creators months and months to complete.

            Our photographer, Mark McCoy, and I met Phil Wolter at one of his haunted attractions, The Olde Courthouse Catacombs. The Catacombs is Phil’s 39^th spook house, second in spook house numbers only to Disney. Formally trained in theatre and art, Phil’s passion is entertaining his audiences with a chilling, yet campy approach. This year’s theme was all about the Joker from the recent movie The Dark Knight. According to Mr. Wolter, “Very seldom does an actor come into a role and get lost in it.” The second theme of the Catacombs is Night of the Living Dead which plays off the tragic passing of the Joker star, Heath Ledger. “It was a real shame he died, but it certainly doesn’t diminish the zest for the Joker.”

            When you enter the first room of the Catacombs, you will instantly notice the floor is uneven dirt and there is an ominous, musty odor. Your senses immediately heighten when you learn of the death of a young teacher named Ann Kline who was murdered on January 18, 1979, in the courthouse. Ms. Kline tried to avoid the bitterly cold January air by slipping through the courthouse on her way home one evening. Her stabbed corpse was found at the bottom of the stairs in which you enter the Catacombs. Her murderer was never identified.

            Peering around a corner, you’ll notice the chiseled features of the Batman. Upon further entrance, a knife repeatedly stabs his skull while the Joker laughs at your fright from a distance. Harvey Two-Face joins the mix with his disappearing coin. You might even see the Batmobile. As you advance into the Catacombs you will enter the underworld of Joker and his clown posse, 3-D effects, disturbing paintings that follow your every move and a whole host of ghouls and the undead.

            For a mere $20, you can experience both the House of Lecter and The Olde Courthouse Catacombs (both Phil Wolter’s creations) as many times as you wish. See the Catacombs ad in N4U for a coupon. A word to the wise, though, beware… if you are afraid of clowns…

            Next, we met with Ira Beemer, owner and creator of the Asylum and House of Horror on Fulton. Mr. Beemer got his start in the “business of boo” more than a decade ago when he was standing in line at a haunted establishment and thought to himself, “I can do this!” And, he did. If you attended the Asylum (or even Mr. Wolter’s spook houses) last year, this year will be a whole new ballgame. Located in the infirmary of the old Sterling Brewery building, when you enter the Asylum, the entire feel is completely different. If you weren’t previously unstable, be prepared because by the time you go through this maze, you will be totally mad. Complete with real operating lights, gurneys, autopsy tables and peepholes doors from the state insane asylum, we started our guided tour with a spray of blood from uncooperative organ donors, followed by the witness of tortured screams of a mental patient at the height of her “treatment.” Since you are not the one strapped to the chair, you might feel like you are off the hook, but at the Asylum, all those who enter don’t get to be the doctor… You will experience “treatment” for yourself. We came upon a 50-foot long gigantic cylinder that spun around the plank “patients” waddle down. Another word to the wise… do not attempt to enter this cylinder if you have been drinking… I could barely make it through without crawling on my hands and knees.        

            If you have children who want the thrill of being scared but the Asylum and House of Horror is a little too much for them, visit the Creature, (yes, the large reptilian beast resting on the corner of the Fulton and the Lloyd). Children as young as 3-years-old can enter, but take heed, you enter through the mouth and out the poop-hole.

            While you are waiting in line, the Grim Reaper will be present, handing out coffin rides. For only $3, you can experience the “last ride,” of your funeral, hearse ride, and burial. A mere $2 more will get you the DVD of your face for the entire experience. Once the lid closes, will it ever open again?

            Finally, if you can muster the courage, the Asylum is hosting an All Night Affair. Finalists will be chosen to stay the night at the Asylum. If you can make it through to morning without being totally insane, a fabulous prize could become yours. Register at www.wsto.com.

            All I can tell you about the Olde Courthouse Catacombs, House of Lecter and The Asylum and House of Horror is that Halloween wouldn’t be complete without a little scare. But, heed my final warning… you may want to bring an extra pair of undies…

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Halloween Prankster’s Checklist

(A guide to causing havoc in your neighborhood!)

Evil older brother of MomKat

• Never, ever use soap on people’s windows. Paraffin works much better. A 55-pound box is available at jarstore.com for only $67.50. You can easily ruin any average-sized residential neighborhood with that amount of paraffin.

• For maximum effect, the use of white sugar in your victim’s gas tank is frowned upon. Brown sugar is much sticker and will cause a lot more damage. Plus it takes a lot less to wreak havoc on the unsuspecting victim’s vehicle.

• Know your neighborhood. Plan escape routes based on the mapping and surveying of your neighborhood that you’ve done in the weeks prior to Halloween night. It’s very important to have a rendezvous point after your group of merry pranksters have dispersed.

• Toilet paper. You get what you pay for. ‘Nuff said. 

• Flashlights. Make sure your batteries are fresh.

• Once you’ve made the decision to trick your victim, go all out. Despite recent trends, and the unsavoryness of politically correctness, it is altogether proper that people who give out coupons, toothbrushes, apples, or advice deserve whatever evil crap you can dish out. There might well be grounding involved, but the thrill of ruining someone’s November 1^st morning well outweighs these wee inconveniences. See point #3 for reference on how to evade the heat, which will inevitably ensue once you start…

• … lighting bags of dried dog poop on people’s doorsteps. It would be irresponsible of us to condone arson. So make sure your bag of flaming poo is just far enough away from your mark’s house, but not so far away that it won’t scare the living daylights out of them and/or create an easily whiffed aroma inside their home for days to come.

• Put several cans of foamy shaving cream in mom and dad’s freezer for a week. Once frozen, the contents will fill very large spaces – after they’re placed in an enclosed environment that’s at least room temperature. Again, be creative.

* Seriously, these are hypothetical scenarios; don’t do any of this stuff. Seriously…

A-MAZE-ing

Some family fun that never gets old is Halloween corn mazes. We rounded up three mazes this year!

The Lark Ranch is 4 miles north of Loogootee on Highway 231

Admission to the Lark Ranch is $6/person (5 and under FREE) and Mayse Farm is $6/adult, $5/child and $5/person of a family of four or more. Also, there is plenty to do besides being chased by the children of the corn including: a hay ride, pumpkin patch, barnyard animals, and pony rides are right at your kids’ fingertips at the Lark Ranch. Visit www.larkranch.com or call 812-295-9555.

J & L’s Corn Maize Craze & Pumpkin Patch is located at 7425 Larue Road, Henderson. Hay rides, pumpkin painting & farm animal exhibits will give the family a real treat! www.cornmaizecraze.com

Cates Farm Corn Maze & Pumpkin Patch is located on Hwy 1217, 4.5 miles off 425 bypass in Henderson, Hayrides and bonfires will really get you into the Halloween spirit!  270-827-1135

Haunted Tours

Lady-in-Grey Ghost Tours, Willard Library, 21 First Ave. A great group outing that is FREE is the haunted tour of Willard Library on Oct 23-25^th and 28-29^th  from 6-10 p.m. Reservations required. Call 425-4309.

Historic Newburgh Ghost Walks, Join the Historic Newburgh Society for two haunted tours of Downtown Historic Newburgh. Saturday-Sunday, Oct 18-19 & 24-25 6:00 - 8:30pm (Tours Start Every 15 Minutes). The cost is $6.00 for adults and $4.00 for children (ages 4-12).  State Street: Newburgh History and Civil War Tales, thrills and bedlam! Water Street: Mining and river lore, mayhem and mystery and the Underground Railroad! Visit www.historicnewburgh.org for more info.

Harmonie State Park: A Walk Into the Past, This spooky history tour includes the resting places of famous town's people, the Harmonist Cemetery and information about mourning in the 19th century.  Tours begin at the Atheneum/Vistor Center.  For information or tickets, call 800.231.2168 or visit www.newharmony.org.