You find yourself sharing an elevator with a man that just chugged
a pint of ipecac. You’re going to the 63rd floor. You’re also
wearing flip flops.
THIS WEEK: Stay out of elevators; better yet, stay away from
people all together.
Aquarius
January 20-February 18
A home inspection turns up more than you bargained for. At
worst, you expected termites. They found bones...human.
THIS WEEK: Negotiate for another 10% price reduction.
Pisces
February 19-March 20
You put all your money on the Patriots this season. You are
screwed.
THIS WEEK: Pray for a very Brady return.
Aries
March 21-April 19
Large people in tiny shirts show no mercy as they plow ahead to
feed at Cici’s Pizza trough. An argument erupts over the last slice of
taco pizza and yields unfavorable results.
THIS WEEK: It’s possible the large man that bit you has
rabies. Get checked.
Taurus
April 20-May 20
Nickelback and their curls of evil hijack the satellites.
Every channel, every hour, every day. Hell on Earth is agonizingly
realized.
THIS WEEK: No amount of Slayer can undo the damage.
Gemini
May 21-June 20
Habitual late fees put you in bad standing with the movie rental
store. First the phone calls begin; then come the knocks at your
door. Your days are numbered, irresponsible renter.
THIS WEEK: The wrath of the video store clerk is
fierce. Start running for the hills.
Cancer
June 21-July 22
It’s you vs. overcoming socially awkward dating. You lose.
THIS WEEK: Eye contact is overrated. Imaginary friends
are not.
Leo
July 23-August 22
The strange girl you’ve been chatting with online is
stalking you from the bushes outside your house. Good luck with that one.
THIS WEEK: This probably won’t end well.
Virgo
August 23-September 22
Live hurricane coverage finds your favorite news pioneer, Geraldo,
engulfed and swept away by fierce ocean tide.
THIS WEEK: Mourn, because a world devoid of Geraldo and his
paramount mustache is one not worth living in.
Libra
September 23-October 22
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Unfortunately, everyone forgot.
THIS WEEK: Make yourself feel better. Get drunk and
pass out minus clothes on the front lawn.
Scorpio
October 23-November 21
Happy Halloween! Neighbors give you poisoned candy and
zombies show up to eat your brains.
THIS WEEK: Strangely enough, you have a craving for brains
and needle-filled Snickers bars.
Sagittarius
November 22-December 21
Your cat dreams of gallivanting through sprawling mounds of Tidy
Cat hard-clumping litter, giving him the freedom to excrete outside the
restriction of a tiny box. You wake in the morning to a pile of turds on
the blanket. The cat is nowhere to be seen.
THIS WEEK: You and the cat have a stern talk. He stares at
you and licks himself.
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