Lloyd the Zombie Enlightens N4U Readers on Real Zombie Life


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N4U: How did you die?

Llyod: I can't remember exactly. I know there was a grassy knoll and at least two gunmen involved, though.

 

What happens when you die?

There's a - ahem - evacuation of certain body cavities... then everything's just sort of purplish, with some peaceful swishy sounds. Altogether it ain't too bad.

 

When you become a zombie/ghost/apparition – do you just people watch and think we are all doomed?

I did plenty of that when I was still alive. The mall is a great place to people-watch. And yes, they're all utterly, totally doomed.

 

What do you do all day, I mean night?

Mostly watch infomercials. The one selling the Ronco flavor injector's hilarious.

 

Have you met any famous dead people?

Yeah, but no one's famous in the afterlife. Everyone's equal - it's sort of like communism, without the long bread lines.

 

Can you fly?

Honey, if I could fly I wouldn't be doing this interview. 

 

Is there any time when you get to come back to earth?

Sure, but for some reason it's only during Jewish holidays. Jewish people are the chosen ones, supposedly.

 

What is your biggest regret?

That I put in my will that I wanted a closed casket; all in all I was a pretty fine-looking corpse.

 

Can you spin your head around?

Everyone thinks we dead people can. Beetlejuice is pretty much all fiction. Although I have seen a woman smoking through a hole in her throat.

 

Can you feel your body decaying?

Yeah. It's sort of like peeling your skin off when you have a sunburn, only stinkier.  

 

Has anyone (besides me) seen you?

You mean you can see me? Sh*t. That kinda blows my whole cover, doesn't it?

 

What do zombies eat?

Anything we want. Last night I had steak au poivre with some lovely asparagus tips. A fairly stout glass of Burgundy to boot.

 

Is “Thriller” a good reflection of zombie life?

Somewhat. But it's very hard to get two or three dozen dead people to dance together in such unison.

 

What’s with the dragging chains thing?

I don't know. It's not my thing. I've seen others do it though. It might just help pass the time. It's pretty boring over here. Like standing in an elevator forever.  

 

Favorite song?

"Time of the Season" by The Zombies, of course.

 

Do you trick-or-treat just for fun?

I'm a little old for that.  

 

What is your best scare tactic?

Dropping in on funerals. There's really nothing scarier or more surreal than that. People can have heart attacks seeing who they think is their recently departed loved one standing right there, smoking a Marlboro.

 

Do you come out during the day?

I've been advised by some of the old timers not to. There isn't a sunscreen strong enough. Apparently I'd just sort of melt into a gooey pile of goop. Sorry for the mental image.

 

Is Elvis dead? Did OJ do it?  

Elvis is in the building. That's all I can say about that. Take what you will from it. And for OJ - all I know is that karma is real, and it touches everyone someday...