Comments (Brandon Kaelin
WE ARE (STILL) DOOMED.
It’s a slippery slope, and
society is sliding. Gas prices, war, bombs, over-inflated celebrities,
pollution, whatever. Too often, we contribute to the devastation of the earth,
each other and ourselves. We snuff out decency, respect, common sense and life
with disregard. Too many are free-falling in filth, living materialistic,
self-righteous, vapid lifestyles. As Robert De Niro’s famous character Travis
Bickle once gloomily predicted, “Some day a real rain will come and wash all
this scum off the streets.”
RETAIL SHOPPERS, AGAIN (UGH)
Excuse me sir, but can you direct me to the tennis
racquets? Oh, there they are, right in front of my face...how could I miss
them?! Duh! Had they all been snakes, they would’ve jumped out and bit me right
in my pockmarked face! Jeez! While you’re here, salesperson, can you tell me
about all of these different racquets on the wall? There are just sooooo many
to choose from, and I don’t have the slightest clue where to start. Say, why is
this one more expensive? They both have titanium frames, yet this one costs
more...what gives? Oh wow, I like this one! It’s blue, and blue is my favorite
color! Plus it would match my super cute tennis outfit! Is this a good racquet
for me? I don’t want anything too expensive, but I want a REALLY GOOD one, you
know what I mean? I’d like to stay under $40 and I want the color to be
blue...with pink strings! Yes, it should definitely be blue--whoops...hang on
one second sir, that obnoxious, piercing sound is my cell phone...isn’t my
ringtone rad? Oh, hi honey! No, I’m
shopping for a new tennis racquet, what are you doing? Oh, I see. Oh wow,
that’s cool! Yeah, I’d love to see the new Batman movie! Isn’t it so sad about
Heath Ledger? Awful...wait, what cowboy movie? Jake who? They did what in the
tent--ooooh, gross. Anyway, what about strombolis for dinner? They sound so
yummy! Yeah, pizza works too...no mushrooms this time, heehee! Okay honey, see
you later! Sorry about that sir, my husband is just on his way home from
work and--oh wow, now THIS blue racquet is SUUUPER CUTE! Wait, will I be able
to hit the ball better and score more points with this one? I don’t want to
look like an idiot out on the court, you know.
SAGGY PANTS GUY
What up blood. I see you looking at me, checkin’ out
my gear. You’d better wipe that look of disgust and confusion off your face
before I wipe it off for you, know what I’m sayin’? In case you couldn’t tell
by the basketball shorts pulled just below the bottom of my butt cheeks and my
XXL, extra long white t-shirt intended for men standing 6’10, weighing 325
lbs., I’m a hard-ass man! I’m a baller and I don’t play games (except Xbox), so
stop hating on me and my outfit, bro! Just because I’m a 5’8, 152 lb. white kid
from the streetz (see: parent’s basement in middle income subdivision) doesn’t
mean I can’t BANG IN MY WHITE TEE! Uhhgghhh, that’s right homey, I’m packing
heat and I’m gang-affiliated. I’ve got skillz on the b-ball court, like
Iverson, and I only rock the ugliest, shiniest basketball shoes on the market. I’m
iced out with chains on my neck, a grill in my mouth and a doo rag on my head. I’ve
got a pit bull on ‘roids named ‘Soulja’ and he also wears a doo rag. I’m also a
rapper--correction--the best rapper alive, so you’d better recognize, and
remember the name ‘Lil’ Key Loc Krazy Ounce’ from Tha ‘Ville, son, FO REAL! Don’t
sleep on me or I’ll sneak yo ass, partna...you don’t want to see my piece cause
I shoot biscuits, dawg! I don’t play...can’t you see my t-shirt hangs to my
KNEEZ, boy? You think I’m playin’? So what if I serve fries and sweep up trash
in the parking lot at McDonald’s...I’m just grindin’ and stackin’ my chips for
a new pair of
KATHERINE HEIGL
Photography | HollywoodToday.net
You’re familiar with the term ungrateful, yes? Well, that fits me tighter than an emo kid’s jeans. I’m also an arrogant, crotchety squawker that is way too good for the likes of you miserable peons. I am an amazing actress and definitely the MOST gorgeous woman in the world, so you should be lucky I even let you bring me coffee or clean the crumbs from my mansion floor. After all, this is The United States of Katherine Heigl; population one, Katherine Heigl. That’s right, I’m the president, the vice president, the Oprah – I’m the everything. I’m THE PERSON and I’m the only one that matters, and you better not forget that. I don’t need your crap Emmys, career-launching, horribly written television shows or sexist, profit-churning blockbuster movies, I just breathe and I make money, whether I take off my shirt and expose my bra (which is truly empowering to women) or not. Remember, I am THE ONE, the best actress in the history of acting (27 Dresses, HELL-OOO!), the most beautiful, the most talented, the most intelligent, most qualified, just the most and best...at everything. You should worship me, period. Planet Earth, dictated by one: Katherine Heigl.
Maybe I’m wrong and off
base with these characterizations. Maybe you think retail shoppers, saggy pants
losers (get a belt douche!) and Katherine Heigl are thriving, well-integrated
additions to our colorful society. Or perhaps you agree with me. And if you
don’t, you are probably one of the dolts that might find yourself depicted in one
of these articles someday.
Life
really isn’t that bad for all of us. It’s actually pretty enjoyable and
fulfilling most of the time. Certain types of people and things just make it a
bit more difficult and ridiculous from time to time, like potholes pissing you
off as you drive down the road. More to come later, perhaps.
