Just when you thought it was safe to turn the television set
back on, all the really, really bottom of the barrel “reality” shows green
lighted in those desperate days of the writers’ strike are hitting the
airwaves. Some of them are so unfathomably ill-conceived that I actually
totally thought the fake commercial for MILF Island
during an episode of 30 Rock a few weeks ago was for real. Even worse, and I loathe to admit it, I considered
making an effort to tune in. Gads. Catering to the admittedly unbecoming side
of human nature that loves to rubberneck at a train wreck full of strangers,
the entertainment industry is presenting us with an unprecedented level of painfully
awful crap to watch instead of having to interact in the real world with our
families and friends. And I’m on it.
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Secret Talents of the
Stars- CBS
Too late! If you missed this 'black eye' of reality, your're too late. It was canned after one episode and the website was promptly disabled. Back to the drawing board for CBS...
Did you miss this celebrity/bizarro world version of the
competition show America’s Got Talent?
Well, you’ll have to hit it on their website while you still can because it was
so awful, and PLEASE take a moment to contemplate exactly what that means in
the realm of “reality” television, that it was canned after airing only ONE
episode! A new King of Crap TV ascends to the throne! Hosted by the
multi-talented dancer/actor/robot/televangelist doppleganger John O’HURL-ey and
judged by a couple of useless tools and poor, poor Debbie Reynolds, (Someone please
bitch-slap her agent!), this show set out to show celebrities doing something
unexpected and different than what made them famous. A few “stars” I never
heard of did boring stuff; some lady ice skater that I totally thought was
going to be Borat because she stole his name, performed as a contortionist.
Seriously. Country singer Clint Black, (Who I am pretty sure is also a robot,
but can’t be positive because it is the hair that gives them away and he always
has that damn hat on.) did stand-up comedy. He was actually good enough to join
up with the next Blue Collar Comedy Tour, but that’s not really my kind of
funny, you know? He seemed to have a problem shutting it off while the judges
made their comments too. More evidence of animatronics intervention methinks. Then
there was the beloved George Takei singing Willie Nelson’s country hit “On The
Road Again.” Just those words all put together in a sentence sound so wrong.
And it was. But he good-naturedly soldiered right on through it. It must have
taken nearly as much guts as coming out did. Would someone please get this man
a dignified series (They already killed him off in Heroes) so he can stop making the rounds of these insipid comi-tragedies?
Just be glad it was cancelled so swiftly cause the next episode up featured
Danny Bonaduce on a unicycle. I guess ole Danny-boy will just have to save it
for the next Circus of the Stars.
Your Momma Don’t
Dance-Lifetime
Ugh. I threw up a little in my mouth when I first saw clips
from this show where aspiring dancers are partnered with one of their parents
in a competition to see who can disgust me the most. They sell those little
incest magazines at the porn stores, don’t they? Can we leave it there? Do we
really need to be made to feel this uncomfortable by blood relatives bumping
and grinding all over one another in sexy outfits on national television?
Lifetime, you’ve made me feel so many emotions…but this? This from The Estrogen
Channel? I mean Gay, Straight, or Taken
was pushing it, but this is just too far. I would rather watch According to Jim.
Parking Wars-A&E
I can’t believe that a show where a camera crew follows the
Philadelphia Parking Authority employees on their rounds booting or towing cars
and issuing parking citations is already almost through its first season. Nothing
major really seems to ever occur. Sure, people get irate, but it’s sort of a Cops light, where most folks are mercifully
always wearing shirts. In fact, it is so lame that it almost transcends into
awesomeness somehow. Almost. My two favorite characters are Steve “Garfield” the food and cat
obsessed boot man, who lists Bad Religion as his favorite band on the PW website (!!) and seemingly
unflappable Brian from the ticketing crew; mostly because I think it is
inevitable that he will one day come completely unglued during a confrontation
with an offender. I just get this vibe that when he Hulks-out, it’ll be delightfully
shocking and especially spectacular. The results of which may even change the
phrase from “going postal,” to “going parking authority.” If only they would
step it up a notch, maybe with a sex scandal or a stabbing for the season finale
cliffhanger, they just might keep me watching.
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